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02 January 2012 @ 11:21 am
Invisible [Part 1]  
 

TitleInvisible
Pairing: Main!Kyusung, Side!Kyumin, Eventual!Minwook
GenreRomance, Angst, Drama, Minor!Fluff
RatingG
Disclaimer: I wish I own them but I don't.
Beta: [info]ohmygeng
Summary: This is not a love story…this is a story about love.
Prompt: Invisible by Taylor Swift
Note: Late birthday fic for rhenny and a thank you present to 
sungieobsessed (for the Christmas gift and for the friendship :D)



~*~

Invisible

   My name is Kim Jongwoon, a fresh university graduate, just starting to explore the biggest adventure there is called life. I guess you can say I’m just a normal guy, with normal needs and desires. I’m not a genius but not stupid either, I’m just average…actually I feel like everything in my life is average, my looks, my intellect, my dreams. I guess the only excellent thing I have is my voice, I’m really good at singing, or so my best friend Sungmin said. I’m not the type to dream high either, because I believe that when you do and when you fall…you will also fall from a high perch, and that will hurt very much.

   But once in my life I dreamed of having something that I guess was way beyond my league. It was really frustrating because he was just right in front of my eyes…but I never reached him. Five, almost six years have passed yet I still remember him. I guess there are just simply some people who come into our lives, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same again.

   I don’t even know why out of all the many people in the world he’s the one I fell in love with. It’s really something you can’t control; you just…fall, that simple. And really, the heart has its reasons that reason does not know.

   But for that guy…I’m nothing but invisible…

----

He can’t see the way your eyes
Will light up when you smile

   We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, an hour, an afternoon. But that doesn't diminish its value. Because we are left with memories that we will treasure for the rest of our lives

   All throughout my years in high school there’s only one guy who caught my attention…and eventually my heart. His name is Cho Kyuhyun. He was famous in the school because he was a Math genius has an angelic voice, kind and a perfect gentleman. Added to that was the fact the no one could deny…he’s hot, he really was.

   He was, and still today, is my definition of the perfect guy, the perfect boyfriend material. I love him and have only him in my eyes and heart. But one sad fact…he was also in love, but not with me. It’s with my best friend Sungmin. Now, there are billions of people in this world, but why out of all those billions did he fall in love with my best friend?!

   I couldn’t really blame him. Sungmin was also famous in the school. He was the very cute guy who loves doing cute things that everyone couldn’t help but love him. That guy is actually too cute for his own good. He’s very gentle and has this amazing talent of getting along with everyone, that’s why all throughout high school he never had enemies nor gotten himself into a fight. He’s really kind and helpful.

   We’re best friends yet we’re polar opposites. While he loves being in the thick of things and being the centre of attention, I prefer being in the background. While he can be oblivious about his surroundings, I am the intuitive type. Maybe that’s the reason why I was the only one who noticed Kyuhyun’s feelings for Sungmin, or maybe that’s because I always sneaked glances in his direction, and while I was doing that, he was also sneaking glances at Sungmin, who in turn was sneaking glances at Ryeowook.

   Now maybe you’re wondering who Ryeowook is. Well, to make things short, he’s the guy Sungmin’s in love with. So the love connections were like this: I who loves Kyuhyun who loves Sungmin who loves Ryeowook who loves Sungmin in return. He’s just too scared to admit it to Sungmin in fear of rejection, oblivious of the fact that Sungmin is head over heels with him. Complicated right? Well, Sungmin and Ryeowook got the better end of the deal, while me and Kyuhyun? We got the worst.

   Oh! Did I mention Ryeowook is Kyuhyun’s best friend? No? Well, now you know. Complicated right? It’s really a fucked-up life. Whenever Sungmin laughed or smiled even a little bit, Kyuhyun’s face lit up in response, like a kid being handed a present on Christmas day. But Sungmin didn’t see it, never noticed it one bit, yet he still kept on giving Sungmin that hopeful look. Just a little gesture but that look never failed in hurting me and breaking my heart into pieces. It never failed to make me wish…wish that he would also look at me, and see just how much I love him.

He never notices how you stop and stare
Whenever he walks by

The school which I studied in was small, so the phrase ‘It’s a small world’ was quite literal in my case. The school was small so the chances of running into each other, passing, or just simply seeing each other were quite high.

   This fact made me happy because it meant that seeing him every day was possible. After all, my day would not be complete without seeing his handsome face. But as much as it made me happy, it also made me sad and depressed. That’s because Sungmin and I were practically inseparable. Wherever he goes, I go, wherever I go, he goes.

   My heart fluttered whenever I saw him, then my heart will go overdrive when his gaze shifted to my direction. A tint of blush would creep on my cheek and my knees would go weaker. That intense gaze of him always made me feel like I was melting. I would keep feeling that for a whole minute before I looked down, disappointment clearly etched in my eyes, because no matter how many times I wished and prayed for it, that gaze would never stay on me. You will never know true pain until you look into the eyes of someone you love, and they look away. No matter how much effort he put, even putting off what he was doing just to stare at Sungmin, even if he kept it on the whole day, he would never notice it.

   No one saw it…except for me.

And you can’t see me wanting you the way you want him
But you are everything to me

   I only have eyes for him, but he only has eyes for Sungmin. It always made me mad with jealousy, anger, and sadness, but every time I see the hurt in his eyes whenever he came to the conclusion that Sungmin’s love was just for Ryeowook, all those selfish feelings of mine vanished into thin air. What were left was pity, and an aching wish. A wish that he would also find his own happiness…and if only Sungmin could give him that happiness, then I wish for Sungmin to be his. Even if that would hurt, even if that would kill me, then so be it.

   I only wished for him to be happy. I only want him to smile that beautiful smile that made my heart swell and feel like bursting in my chest. I don’t want to see that sadness and pain in his eyes anymore. If only I am enough to wipe away all that pain then I’ll gladly give myself to him, but I’m not the one he needed, I’m not the one he wanted. You and him, that's what you want, you and me... that's what I dreamt for. Forever a dream.

   Love is like heaven, but it can hurt like hell.

And I just wanna show you
He don’t even know you
He never gonna love you like I want to
And you just see right through me
If you only knew me
We could be a beautiful, miracle, unbelievable
Instead of just invisible

   Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it... It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

   It’s not as if I gave up even without starting the fight. Of course I didn’t. I did a lot of things for him to notice me. He was good at math so I tried to be good at math too, but it just wasn’t meant to be, I’m no good at math. Another interest of him was games so I try it to. But to no avail, those things were also not meant for me. I tried to move on to other things, like his interest in wine. Once again, I failed. I just can’t stand anything that has alcohol in it.

   I tried everything, but I failed. The only option I had was to confess to him and ask him to give me the chance to prove myself. But then, I felt like I could do anything…anything but that. To exert effort, to hope for, to wish for his love was still acceptable…but to blind myself from the truth that was so painfully obvious was the height of stupidity. So I kept silent, continuing my silent way of getting his attention.

   Because even I knew this despite being not good at math, in the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing.

There’s a fire inside of you
That can’t help but shine through

   If you ask me what my most unforgettable experience was during my high school days, I guess it was the special performance of those graduating students. Naturally, I was included. I didn’t want to join but Sungmin practically forced me to do so, he volunteered my name to sing. Now, singing in public was not my thing, but Sungmin rarely asked me for any favours and I owed him a lot of things, so I decided to cave in to his request.

   On the day of the performance I was very nervous and wasn’t totally looking forward to what was about to happen. I just wanted everything to be over, but unfortunately my performance was the last one, so I had to sit for a long time and wait for my turn.

   Slowly, performance after performance was performed to the loud cheers of my schoolmates. I wasn’t really watching, I was outside to take a breather and to calm down my racing heart. The inside could be suffocating and the large number of people was horrifying. I couldn’t help but think of many things that could happen when I performed, like going off-key, forgetting the lyrics, tripping over my own feet (I am extremely clumsy, it was totally possible to happen) etc.

   I only went inside when my turn was near. I went backstage to prepare. I was shocked when I saw Kyuhyun there, also preparing. By the look of things, Kyuhyun was also going to sing. I was lucky I went inside earlier, if not, I would totally miss Kyuhyun’s performance. As if on cue, somebody called him to get in position because it was already his turn.

   I quickly abandoned my own preparation and went to the audience seat to get a much better view. There, I watched him as he walked regally onto the centre of the stage. Stood straight and looked at the audience with a high level of intensity. He scanned the crowd as if looking for something or someone, and apparently, he found it in the right-far corner of the audience seats. I looked in that direction and there’s only one prominent thing that was there…Sungmin. I guess I should have known, I thought as I smiled bitterly. I saw the same pain and sadness in his eyes when you saw that Sungmin and Ryeowook were talking sweetly, not even paying him any attention.

   He closed his eyes and took a deep breath as the music started to play.

But he’s never gonna see the light
No matter what you do

   I was enchanted, as he hit the first note. His voice was so soothing, so relaxing, and so gentle. It flowed smoothly. I closed my eyes and leant into my chair as I let myself go with the music.

Even though I tell it not to go, even though I tell it to stop
My heart keeps going towards you
It doesn’t wear out, it doesn’t decrease
Why is my love like this?

One by one, I count and count the memories
My heart can’t rest for even a moment
It’ll just become baggage that becomes hard to control
Why can’t I even throw them away?

Really, my heart must have done something somehow
I must have become a fool that’s blind from love
Just one place, everyday one place
Looking at the sad light that is you
Even the tear glands must be broken
My tears won’t stop
I love only you, only you
Can’t you just tell me?

Even if I hold out my hands, no matter how much I call out
You’re always far from me
It’ll be a love that becomes painful scars
Why can’t I erase it?

Really, my heart must have done something somehow
I must have become a fool that’s blind from love
Just one place, everyday one place
Looking at the sad light that is you
Even the tear glands must be broken
My tears won’t stop
Just one word…the one phrase that you love
Can’t you just tell me?

I try to comfort myself with the lie that I’m happy if you just smile
Because the place you’re towards is not me
The lonely tears flow

Really, my heart must have done something somehow
I must have become crazy over this hard love
Can’t have you, can’t forget you
I must have gotten ill from missing you so much, from loving you too much
Just one thing…your heart, that one thing
Can’t you just share it with me?
Can’t you love me?

   Everybody gave him an enthusiastic applause as he hit the last note. Everybody was stunned and amazed at how well he performed the song. I sat up, my eyes still closed, breathing hard. When I opened my eyes, I couldn’t see properly because of the tears that were blocking my eyesight. In the middle of the song, my tears unconsciously fell. Tears are like kisses, the only real ones are the ones you can’t hold back. I guess it showed how real my love is for him.

   The song was heartfelt and he sung it with so much emotion you could have practically felt it. The song was really fitting in his situation, but as much as it fits his, it also fits mine. I wasn’t just crying for his pain, I was also crying for mine. It hurts him more, and me, when he saw Sungmin still locked in conversation with Ryeowook while smiling such a beautiful smile. He probably didn’t even hear anything from Kyuhyun’s song.

   I wanted to be angry at Sungmin but it’s not really his fault. It wasn’t as if he was doing it intentionally, it’s just that Ryeowook is really the one he loves. I felt as if there was something squeezing my heart when I saw him dejectedly exiting the stage with his head down.

And all I think about is how to make you think of me
And everything that we could be

   Three more performances passed before my turn came. I wasn’t nervous anymore; I was actually quite looking forward to it. I walked eagerly to the centre of the stage. Till now I remember everything as if it just happens yesterday. I remembered saying into the microphone just before I sang, the words, “You must be sad today. You must be lonely today. But you know what, somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile, so when you are lonely, remember it's true: Somebody, somewhere is thinking of you. This song is for you.”

   And like with Kyuhyun’s song, I let myself loose with the music…and sang my heart out.

It feels like it has been very long
Even this sentence, it feels so unfamiliar now
Just like when I see your eyes, I know everything
Like a friend, just like your shadow

Always, I was by your side
When it was hard, when you were sad
And even when you are lonely too, or when you have just broke up
Even when I’m hurting so much, I will still wipe your tears

There is a man who loves you very much
There is a man who can’t say ‘I Love You’
I’m by your side, a place where you will be able to reach if you just stretch your hands
Someone cherish you and loves you more than himself
I am here

To make you laugh, I only think of that
And when and wherever you are I’m watching you and missing you
And who worries of only you

There is a man who loves you very much
There is a man who can’t say ‘I Love You’
I’m by your side, a place where you will be able to reach if you just stretch your hands
Someone cherish you and loves you more than himself
I am here

I will bear with it for the thousandth time
And for the ten thousandth time I will control myself from telling you
I want to say it out, as if I am going insane
I really want to, embrace you at once

There is a man who doesn’t know I’m like that
Who receives love, but doesn’t even know that it is love
Leaving you, who is as foolish as I and sad
At this time, although tears are dropping
I’m feeling very happy
Because you are by my side

   Everybody gave an enthusiastic round of applause. Even I knew I did well, I poured all my feelings and emotions into the song. For him…for Kyuhyun. I scanned the crowd like what he did. My heart sank when I didn’t see him anywhere in the crowd. I felt like all the spirit in my body had left me.

   Slowly, tears started to fill my eyes, but I held it in. It would not do me well to cry in front of everybody. It’ll just lead to many questions. And so with a fake smile plastered on my face, I exited the stage, walking quickly to a lonesome place where I could let my tears fall in peace.

~ Part2 ~


 
 
 
Current Music: Invisible by Taylor Swift
 
 
 
sungieobsessedsungieobsessed on January 4th, 2012 04:27 pm (UTC)
the song ♥
awesome story so far *o* ... /goes-to-read-part-2 (a)
denden143denden143 on January 5th, 2012 06:23 am (UTC)
You're the one who suggested it :D Thanks for that~
ellekim94 on July 31st, 2013 11:11 pm (UTC)
hi author-nim! i really, really love how the story goes so far. i'm actually dying to read part 2... can i please read it? please please? :))
denden143denden143 on August 14th, 2013 10:57 am (UTC)
Thank you :D

Just add me then I'll add you back so you can read it :D